Cas and Dean Discuss Destiel
by firekeeper75
Summary: When Cas finds out about Destiel, he doesn't know how he feels about it. And talking to Dean, may not be the best idea. Nothing belongs to me. It all belongs to the Supernatural writers and creators.
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

The guys had been sitting around the bunker for a few days. They had all been in agreement to take a few days off for a well-deserved break. The problem was as much as Dean said he would love to spend some time off, after a couple of days, he became a little cranky.

"I'm going to the damn store!"

Ok, a lot cranky.

"We need a few things. And if Cas is going to be staying here, he should have some stuff for his room."

"Dean, I don't require anything."

"Yes you do! You need your own TV so that when you binge watch Dr. Who it can be in your own room and not in mine or Sam's while you question everything about the time vortex and why there has to be a rift in time in Cardiff!"

"Well, I know of better places then…."

"Exactly!"

Sam smiled. "Dean, maybe it's time we find a case."

"Fine, but I'm still going. I need to get out of here for a while."

"Ok, well I'll look for us a case."

"I'll look for one." Said Cas.

Sam looked confused. "You sure Cas?"

"Yes, it will give me something to do. I can feel helpful."

"You are helpful Cas. Stop acting like a girl." Said Dean.

"Thank you Dean." Said Cas sarcastically.

"No problem. I'll see you guys in a little while."

Sam turned to Cas. "You can use my laptop Cas. I'm going to finish cataloging the last of these cases. I'll be downstairs if you need me."

"Thanks Sam."

When Cas opened the laptop he decided to look closer to the bunker. He had a feeling the best thing to do was look for a case closer to the bunker. The sooner they could get a case, the sooner Dean could stop snapping at everybody and playing with weapons that destroy furniture.

He opened the browser and searched for, Kansas, unsolved, supernatural. The results he got, was not what he expected. There was a long list of places and websites where you could buy Chuck's Supernatural books. There was also a list of fan sites. Cas couldn't help but smile. Even though most of them believed the stories to be works of fiction, the fact that they all still looked at Dean and Sam like heroes warmed his heart. They rarely never got thanked for the lives they save. But in this fan world people wanted to be just like them. Castiel understood that feeling. He decided to open a few of the fan sites to see what people said.

Most of it was praises. And there was some disappointment because the books ended. People had different theories as to what happened next. Some believed Sam beat Lucifer in the cage, over powered him and took over hell. Some believed the story didn't really go on. Dean married Lisa and had a bunch more kids living the apple pie life that Dean always wanted, and that Sam's sacrifice saved his soul and that he went to heaven to watch over his brother until he joined him. Cas smiled warmly.

"That's a sweet thought." He was glad that in the end the brothers were saved. But, also the thought of Sam being safe and happy in heaven with Jessica, and Dean living the life that he always wanted with Lisa made him wish a little that, that ending, was real. The only thing he ever really wanted was for them to be happy. Especially Dean. He really admired and loved Sam and he did only want the best for him. But he's always felt responsible and protective over Dean. He and his brothers and sisters fought very hard (some to the death) to bring Dean out of hell. All of that blood and sacrifice for this one righteous man. And then all these years getting to know him, learning what kind of man he truly is, just makes him want to protect him more. He truly wishes for him to be happy.

As he was scrolling through all the fan comments (and criticisms) he seen a link that confused him.

'Why Destiel is a real thing. What Dean and Castiel's relationship really means.'

"What is this?" Cas mumbled.

When he clicked the link and started reading, he had no idea what he was getting into and how much it was going to change him.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

A few hours later, Dean returned from his shopping trip.

Castiel closed the laptop quickly. He found he had a hard time looking at Dean.

"Hey Cas." Dean said as he carried an arm load of bags down the stairs. "I've got a few more things in the car, including your T.V. I got some bedding for your room and some toiletries. I know you're an angel and probably don't require things like toothbrush, toothpaste or deodorant, but hey, better safe than sorry."

"Dean, I have to go."

"What? What do you mean you have to go? Has something happened in heaven?"

"No, I, I just have to go."

Sam walked in. "Hey, what's going on?"

"Cas said he's leaving."

"Why? Cas did you find something?"

"I didn't, I just, I have to go, for a while. I'm sorry."

Then, he was gone.

"Dude, what the hell?" Said Dean.

"No idea." Said Sam.

"Did he say anything to you?"

"No. I haven't spoken to him since you left. I've been cataloging cases! He said he was going to look on-line to see if he could find us a case."

Dean rolled his eyes. "I bet he found porn again. Dude gets weird when he watches porn."

"Yea. Well I guess, he'll call us when he needs us?"

"Whatever. I'm gonna put this stuff away. Would you grab the rest of the stuff out of the car?"

"Yea. No problem."

Dean put up the groceries and Sam put Cas' stuff in his room for when he got back. Whenever that would be.

Sam went back to cataloging and Dean decided to look for a case and make sure Cas didn't download any pizza man porn on the computer.

When he opened the browser he understood. He seen what Cas had seen. And then he knew. He knew exactly why Cas freaked, and left.

Sam walked in. "What did you find?"

"Uhm, it's uhm, exactly what I thought, porn. Don't worry, he didn't download it. But I'm definitely going to erase the browser history. Dude looked up some weird stuff, like bestiality, and fetishes that even make me squirm." Dean quickly erased the browser history before Sam got a look at it.

Sam laughed. "Well since Metatron put all things pop culture in his head, I guess it's understandable he would be curious about everything."

"Yea, like I said, weird dude. I guess I will go on and see if I can find us a case. See about getting us out of here for a little while."

"Sure." Sam said. "Sounds good."

Sam went to finish his cataloging. Dean sat for a minute thinking about what Cas had found. Wondering what it was that freaked him out. If he was ashamed, or scared, or what? Surely he knows this is just a work of fiction, right? How the hell was he going to deal with this?

"Son of a bitch!"


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

Dean had to think about how he was going to handle this. He wondered if he should call Cas back and talk to him about it or let him have a couple days. Knowing Cas he'll go find out some more information and see how silly it all is. Yea, he'll give him some time. If he's not back in a couple of days, he'll call him.

In the meantime, he did find them a case. A pain in the ass case. But a case.

"Man, why'd it have to be witches?!" Dean said.

"Definitely not one of my favorites either." Said Sam.

"It is going to take forever to get this blood and gack out of my jacket! Why can't they just die! It's always got to be a spectacle, with body fluids, ooze and only god knows what else!"

"It's alright Dean. We'll get it dry cleaned."

"I know man, it's just, three days chasing down those witches has made me tired. Let's just get back to the bunker, replenish supplies, eat, wash these clothes and shower."

"Maybe a couple hours sleep?" Ask Sam as he got in the car.

"Yea," said Dean "maybe even a few."

As they were heading down the highway heading back to the bunker Sam turned to Dean.

"Hey, have you heard from Cas since he left?"

"No."

"I wonder what happened to him? Do you think something happened in heaven?"

Dean gripped the wheel a little tighter. "Probably, somethings always happening up there."

"Maybe we should call and see if he needs some help. Make sure he's okay?"

Dean stared out the windshield at the long road ahead of him and thought about what made Cas leave. He knew he was going to have to talk to him. Let him know everything's okay. That Dean himself knew about it and he didn't freak. And anybody who knows Cas doesn't think of him that way. He has nothing to be ashamed of.

"Dean?"

"Uh, yea. I was going to call him tonight anyway. I'll find out something then. But after a shower and a nap."

Sam laughed. "Agreed. Dude you really stink!"

"Shut up bitch!"

"Jerk."

 **Later at the bunker**

After a hot shower and a good nap, Dean decided it was time to call Cas. He sat down on the edge of his bed and took a deep breath.

"Castiel, listen I know why you took off a few days ago. I seen the website you were on. Man, anyone who knows us in real life knows it not true. You have nothing to be ashamed about. Last year, when I found out about all this, I …"

"You knew about this?"

Dean looked up to see Cas standing across the room.

"Yea Cas, I knew. Sam and I were working a case at a girl's high school where they were putting on a musical based on Chuck's books."

"A musical?"

"Yea, and trust me, there were much worse things than you and me."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Why? Because it's not a big deal Cas! There's only a few people who think this, and they don't even know that we're real! Anyways, I thought you didn't care about things like this?"

"Things like what, musicals?"

Dean rolled his eyes. "Like, sexual orientation and what people think about you!"

"I don't care about sexual orientation and I don't care what people think of me."

"Then why are you freaking out about this?"

"I care what _you_ think!"

"What I think? Cas you know what I think! You're family! You know how I feel!

"WELL I DON'T KNOW HOW I FEEL!"


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

"Huh? What? Cas, what the hell are you talking about?"

"Look Dean I just don't think I can talk to you about this."

"What? Why not? After all I am the other half of this whole situation!"

"Dean! You get uncomfortable when I stand to close to you! You really think you could sit and have a conversation about how I feel, about the kind of relationship that we have, and what some people, think about it?"

"Well, I, uhm…"

"Exactly. Look I will work through this. Maybe I should talk to Sam. I think he could handle this better."

As Cas turned to leave Dean thought about Cas talking to Sam about this. And He flashed back to the day they found out about "Destiel". And then he thought about Sam's reaction to it.

"Cas wait! You are right. I do get uncomfortable with the touchy, feely, girlie crap. But I can talk about this."

"Are you sure Dean?"

"Yea…yea, of course. Talk to me."

"Dean, what did you think of this when you found out about it? I'm sorry but I can't imagine you reacting well to that."

"I reacted better then to their interpretation of mine and Sam's relationship."

"You and Sam's relationship?"

"Yea. Let's just say that some people see our relationship as a little more then what it is."

"You mean…?"

"Yea."

"They do know you're brothers right?"

"Exactly what I said. But apparently that doesn't matter."

"Wow."

"Yea. Now doesn't that make this Destiel thing seem not so bad.?"

Cas looked confused.

"I don't look at it as bad."

"Excuse me?"

"I don't look at Destiel as a bad thing."

"Then what are you freaking out about? And why did you take off? And wait, what do you mean you don't see Destiel as a bad thing?"

Cas sat down on the side of the bed.

"Dean, you said that you seen the website I found."

"Yea."

"Did you read it?"

"Well, no. I read the title and figured it out."

"Well, I did read it. And it made me do some, self-evaluation. It really made me look into myself and who I am, how I feel."

"Wait a minute. How you feel? Cas, are, are you saying, you actually feel that way?"

Castiel looked at how wide Dean's eyes got. "Dean, breathe. You wanted me to talk about this so I am talking. But if you're already freaking out maybe I should go talk to Sam."

"No, no, Cas, I'm not freaking out. Just surprised. Please, go ahead."

"Look, what I read was an outside point of view of our relationship. From the beginning when I pulled you out of hell, all the way to the battle at Stull Cemetery. Do you realize everything I did during that time? And why?"

"Of course I do Cas. You rebelled against heaven for us. I wouldn't forget about that."

"No Dean. I rebelled for you. I told you that when I beat the hell out of you when you tried to say yes to Michael."

"Yea, I, kind of, remember that."

"I love Sam, I do. He's like a brother to me. But he's not the reason I rebelled. I did it for you. Because you asked me to. You made me believe in you."

"Whoa Cas! You can't make all of that may fault!"

"Dean, I don't blame you. I still feel I did the right thing. I honestly feel I did what god would have wanted. The arch-angels kick started the apocalypse because god left and they were lost. And instead of remembering what our father wanted, they panicked. So I don't regret my decision. But yes in the end it was you. And the more I think about it, the reason I've done everything that I have is because of you."

"Ok. I can see that. But it wasn't just me Cas. You chose free will. You chose to go against those douchebags! You chose to do the right thing and help save the world. That was in you."

"Yes, it was. But it never would have come out if not for you. Whenever I would start to doubt that rebelling was the right thing, you would be there to show me otherwise. You helped me realize that the angels had lost their way. Of course after that I made one bad decision after another."

"Cas you tried to do what was right. We've all screwed up trying to do what was right."

Cas smiled. "Yes, I guess we have. But thinking back through it all, Metatron was right."

"What! That douchebag! What the hell was he right about?"

"When he had me "captured" in heaven, he was making one of his self-righteous speeches. He was going on about why I was doing everything that I was doing. That I draped myself in the flag of heaven, that I claimed to be fighting for heaven. But in the end, it was for you. And then he told me you were dead. I had never felt grief like that. I've had a connection with you ever since I put my hand on you in hell. I said before that we had a profound bond. That wasn't me over exaggerating. There was a bond that linked us together. It took an immense amount of my power and grace to heal you, put your soul back together and fight our way out of hell. So that made me responsible for you. For your safety."

"Cas, I'm a grown man. You are not responsible for me."

"I understand why you would see it that way. But I don't. The sacrifices that were made to save you. How vitally important you are. The lives you have save, and the things you've taught me about being better. So to me I do feel responsible. I know you didn't ask for it, but that's just how I feel."

"Cas, I don't like that. I don't like thinking you feel responsible for me. Like I need a babysitter or something. No."

"I'm working on getting better about that. Because I have centered you in the middle of my life. And reading that, has made me have to step back and look at everything and what the best thing to do next is."

"What do you mean the next thing to do? What is this all about?"

Cas knew the next thing he was going to say would not go over well. So he stood and took a deep breath.

"Dean, when I look at everything I did and do, I have to admit to myself and come to the realization that I love you, that I am, in love with you."


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

Dean stood, staring at Cas, not believing what he just heard.

"Cas you are not in love with me!"

"Dean, the majority of my decisions in my very long life span may have been because of you, but you don't decide my feelings. I do. And after spending the last few days going over my life, the decisions I've made, how I feel when I'm around you, how I feel when I'm away from you and how I feel when I think of you, I know I haven't been as wise to the ways and feelings of humans as long as you, but I do know I have these feelings. I know I have them for you."

"Cas, I've seen you have feelings for women! There was April, Meg and that woman you thought you were going on a date with and ended up babysitting for!"

"Nora."

"Yea! Her!"

"Dean, I did care about them but this, has nothing to do with sexual orientation."

"Of course it does! They are girls! I'm a guy!"

"And what am I?"

"Dude, you're obviously a guy!"

"No Dean. You see a male because of my vessel. Jimmy was a male that just happen to be my vessel. My true form is sexless, remember? I am not male or female."

Dean stood there a minute, just thinking.

"Cas, I, I can't… I just, I don't know what to say."

"Dean I don't want you to say anything. You don't need to say anything. I know you don't feel the same way. It's just that this is an all new feeling for me. Well I guess not really new, but I'm just now figuring all of this out. And now maybe you can understand why you cannot help me with this."

Dean honestly tried to think of a way to help Castiel. The problem was, he had no idea how.

"Dean it's ok. I don't expect anything from you. I can figure this out. People fall in and out of love all the time. I just need to figure out how to do this for me."

"Cas, it's not that simple. There's no quick fix to it. And in most cases it turns ugly. I don't want that to happen between us. I can't have that happen between us! I've lost to many people already!"

"It's not going to turn ugly. We're not a couple and there are no bad feelings between us. At least not on my part. Do you have bad feelings towards me for this or anything else?"

"No Cas, of course not."

"And never worry that you're going to lose me. That will not happen."

Dean smiled, uncomfortably.

"But I do believe that I need some time away, away from you. If I can sort this out. Run through my feelings, accept them and move on. I know that I can and will get passed this I just need to figure it out. On my own."

"Yea, well, what if we need you?"

"I will come if you need. But I ask that you give me the time and space I need to do this. Can you respect that Dean?"

"Of course Cas. Do what you have to. We'll be here when you get back, I guess."

"Thank you Dean."

And with that, he was gone again.

Dean sat down on the bed. How did it come to this? Those stupid books! Cas wouldn't have had any of these thoughts if it wasn't for them! Cas in love with him? Seriously? He wanted to say Cas was being childish but honestly, he wasn't. He was handling it quite well actually. Cas is just reading too much into all this that's all. Of course they have a bond and whatever. That doesn't mean it's love! Not like, that kind of love! Right? Well fine. If Cas needs to go sort out his "love" for him then whatever. Dean's got things to do anyway. He can't set and analyze a bunch of stupid theories that people who don't even know them have! Really, what could they possibly know? They haven't been through what they have! What in the hell could he have read that caused all this? No! This is ridiculous! He laid down on the bed and decided to take another nap before him and Sam headed out on their next hunt.

"Son of a bitch!" Dean said as he got up and headed to get Sam's laptop.

 **Author's Note:** I want to thank everyone for their follows, favorites and reviews! They have meant so much to me! This and my other story Supporting Cast, have been in my head for so long and it's amazing to know so many people like it! It makes writing it so much fun! Thanks again and I'll see you in the next chapter!


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

As Dean walked down the hall to get Sam's laptop, Sam met him half way.

"Hey Dean, I just got a call from Jody Mills. Apparently they've had a nest of vampires move in a little too close for her taste. Too many for her to deal with on her own and she doesn't want to get the girls involved so,"

"Of course. Well let's go clean out a vamp nest."

Sam looked at his brother. "Dean, are you ok? Did you get any sleep?"

"Yea, I'm fine. Let's just go."

"Ok. Hey did you call Cas?"

"Oh, uh, yea. It's like we thought. He's got something going on in heaven. Nothing bad I guess but something he has to deal with. Said he might be gone awhile. But if we need him just call."

Dean decided it was probably best anyway. It's probably just a bunch of nonsense anyway. Just Cas taking things to literal and serious again. He'll just let it go and let Cas do what he needs to do right?

Right.

It took them about a week to completely wipe out the vampire nest. They also stuck around a couple of days to make sure there were no stragglers. Dean's head wasn't in the game either. Sam noticed. And he wasn't the only one.

Jody walked outside and seen Dean leaning against the Impala drinking a beer. She grabbed one out of the cooler as she walked up to lean with him.

"Hey kiddo."

"Hey sheriff."

"Never gonna call me Jody are ya?"

"Hey I say it as a very high form of respect. If you didn't know, a lot of law enforcement doesn't like me."

"Really, No!?"

"Ha Ha. But really, you're an amazing woman, strong, independent, caring and smart everything that a sheriff should be. So yea, I think I'll stick with sheriff."

"Fair enough. Thank you. Now that the sweet pleasant compliments are out of the way. What the hell's wrong with you?"

"What? Nothing. Why do you ask?"

"Seriously. You were the one who was just pointing out, correctly I might add, how smart I am. So you're seriously gonna try and lie to me?"

Dean laughed.

"C'mon Dean. You've been off since you got here. It's like your mind is somewhere else. So tell me, what's going on?"

Dean sighed. "You're right. I have had a lot on my mind. But it's not really something I want to talk about."

"I can understand that. But whatever it is, you need to talk about it or, deal with it. Your line of work doesn't allow for you not to have your head in the game. And so help me god young man if you get yourself killed because you didn't, you won't get a hunter's funeral I will make sure you come back as a ghost so I can do it myself! Do you understand me young man?!"

Dean smiled. "Yes ma'am."

"Now, come in and have some dinner before you boys leave."

"Ok. I'll be there in a minute."

"Don't be long and wash your hands. Don't make me use my mom voice."

"Don't worry, I won't."

Dean smiled watching Jody walk away. She really is a good woman, and a good mom. But she's wrong. He can't talk about this. To anyone. Why is this even on his mind? It's ridiculous! Sure he's worried about Cas. He doesn't make the best decisions when he's emotionally compromised. Of course he's not going to start another war in heaven or bring out some beasts from only god knows where. Not over this. But Dean's still worried about him. But why? Cas is a big boy! Angel! Whatever! He's fine. He's just spending time in some quiet part of heaven or the world working through his problems, feelings, whatever. He's fine. Guess it would be nice to make sure of that though. He's not use to Cas being gone like this. Not without checking in. He's gotten used to Cas popping in randomly, scaring the hell out of him and sometimes standing to close. Dean caught himself smiling at the thought. What the hell was wrong with him! Ok, that's it. Jody was right. He may not be able to talk to anyone about this but he has to deal with it. When they get back to the bunker he's going to find out what sent Cas down this path. And find a way to get his best friend back!

"Dean Winchester! Get in here wash your hands and eat!"

Dean jumped.

"Yes ma'am."


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

The ride back to the bunker was pretty quiet. Mainly because Sam slept. But in all honesty, Dean didn't feel much like talking. He was thinking about what he was going to do when he got back there. He understood what Cas said about every decision he had made was because of Dean. He didn't like it, but he understood. But the love part, that he just couldn't wrap his head around. Cas is his best friend, but if Dean was to be honest with himself, he wasn't Castiel's best friend. Cas might see him like that, but it's not how Dean sees it. It's not a title he feels he deserves. Except for a few occasions, Dean hasn't been there for Cas. Not really. He's actually been pretty crappy to him. Dean knows he's not a great person. And as he proved with Lisa, not a great person to love. Well he's got to figure this out, and he will.

When they got back to the bunker Dean got the laptop and headed to his room with Sam yelling behind him to keep porn off his computer. When he got settled, he managed to find the web site again. It was an analysis of their relationship from the moment Cas pulled him from hell. How much Cas sacrificed and the toll that it took on him. All of which Cas pretty much explained. But for them to believe this relationship is a thing then how do they figure Dean. So he kept reading. And the funny thing is they didn't. There is an insane amount of evidence that Cas is in love with him but not anything for Dean. Except at the end. According to this, Dean seemed upset about Cas going back to heaven. The interpretation is that Dean was upset about losing Sam and then finding out Cas was going back to heaven hurt him. Which is why he threatened to go after God next. He was losing everybody, and Dean doesn't like to lose. And then when Cas just disappeared he said that Cas 'sucked at goodbyes' it was an emotional blow to Dean. So from what Dean was reading he could definitely see how people came to the conclusion about Cas, but if this is suppose to be a couple thing, then where was the stuff about Dean? The weird thing is that kind of upset Dean. Why? He's going to read through it again, see if he can understand it more.

Dean sat and read through it quite a few more times. He also read some other Destiel things. After a couple of hours Dean closed the laptop. He let everything he read soak in. He also thought about everything that has happened since then. Everything him and Cas had been through. How hurt he was when he found out that Cas was working with Crowley, how he felt when he thought he'd lost Cas in that river, when he found him again, purgatory, coming back from purgatory without him, and on, and on, and on. Everything they had been through. How he felt about everything. There was a lot of things Dean had to admit to. And a lot of things he had to be brutally honest about. He was going to have to talk to Cas. And if he still needed time away, he would give it to him and not bother him again. But he knew this had to be dealt with.

Here goes nothing.

"Cas, there's nothing serious going on with any hunts or anything but I've been doing some research into this Destiel thing, and I believe I understand a little more. And there's some things I've realized that I would really like to talk to you about. If not I understand but, I miss my friend and I'd really like to talk to you."

Dean sat there for a few minutes. Cas didn't show.

"Well when you're ready I guess."

Dean went and gave Baby an oil change and a good wash. Did some detail work inside the car and just tried to find some busy work. He was trying to take his mind off of everything, and he was failing. He just really wanted to talk to Cas. But he knew there was nothing he could really do but wait. So he'd wait. He did odd jobs the rest of the day and it was pretty late when he headed to bed. He tried to stay up late hoping Cas would show but he'd done so much that he wore himself out. It was just time to sleep.

Dean headed toward his room sore and tired from the day hoping he could get a little sleep. But when he opened the door, he got a surprise.

"Hello Dean."

Cas was standing by the wall in Dean's room. And Dean noticed how much lighter he felt just seeing Cas in front of him.

"Cas, it's really good to see you man."

Cas smiled. "You too Dean."

"I was starting to think you weren't going to come."

"I almost didn't. When you said you had looked into it, I figured it would upset you. And if you have called me back here to chastise me about my feelings and them being stupid then I would just rather leave because they are not stupid to me and it's something I need to deal with."

Dean was shaking his head. "Not at all Cas. I don't think your feelings are stupid. And after the research and reading I did, I understand how and why you have your feelings. I don't think they are deserved, but I understand."

"I can see that. You never think you deserve love. You think your life is cursed. Regardless of the many times I've told you what a good man you are and that you do deserve good things, you still won't believe me. And you probably never will. But honestly that's just another thing to love about you."

Dean was still uncomfortable with Cas using the word love, and it was obvious.

"You are uncomfortable with me saying I love you aren't you?"

"I'm sorry Cas, I am."

"Then why do you want to talk about this? Why did you call me here?"

"It's not the reason you think Cas."

"Then what is it Dean?"

"Cas there's a reason I have one night stands. I don't want anyone getting attached to me. People who have gotten attached to me have ended up hurt, or worse."

"Dean, you knew I was attached to you before any of this came out."

Dean sighed. "You're right. Wrong word. People who have _loved_ me have ended up hurt or worse. And you know that it's true. My dad, Helen, Jo, Bobby, Charlie all dead! And let's not forget Lisa and Ben whose memories of me you had to completely erase to keep them safe after some demons almost killed them! I am not a person to love! The people who love me get hurt or die! So no, I don't want you to love me, if you love me, I lose you and I can't have that! Cas I haven't had to worry about you too much because your you and you can take care of yourself! Except for when you were human and then I constantly worried. But the moment that you love me, you become cursed and I can't have that! I can't lose you! Not again! You and Sam are all I have and I'm going to be selfish about this I don't want to lose you! So no I don't want you to love me! Please don't love me!" Dean had started to cry.

Cas started towards Dean but Dean held his hand up. "Hold on. Just give me a minute."

Cas stopped and waited.

"Dean, I truly am sorry that I upset you with this. That was not my intention."

"I know Cas. And it's not your fault. You are just being honest about how you feel and how you want to deal with it. I just don't know how to handle things like this. "

"I know Dean. That's why I said I had to do this on my own."

"Yea, but I guess there are some things I just have to face. Things that I have to deal with."

"There's nothing you have to face or deal with. This is my problem. I'm sorry if you feel like it's yours but it really is not."

Dean took a deep breath. "Yes it is Cas. I've had to do a lot of soul searching too. I did a lot of reading. And I've thought a lot about our relationship and where it's gone since we met. I don't think I ever consciously thought about how I feel about you. Except that you're my best friend and very important to me. And honestly I've never had feelings like that for a guy. Not that you are not attractive or anything you are, I've just never been attracted to guys. Which is why all of this confused me so much. Even in those stories it's obvious that I like the ladies, so why? That's when I looked past the stories. To everything that happened after. The stories that they don't know about. Things we've done for each other and because of each other. I always gave you crap for the whole 'profound bond' thing but, it's true. We do share a bond. And I think it's grown stronger over time. And up until now, I've been fine with the way things are. Now, I have to rethink everything."

"Dean? What are you saying?"

"Cas, just wait. Let me finish. It's been easy for me to not think deeper into our relationship because I've always seen you as a guy. So it never crossed my mind. Then you said something. Then you reminded me. You're not a guy. I see a guy because of your vessel. And I know Jimmy's not in there anymore but it's still what I see. But when I think of you and me, who we are and not what we are, I know there's more. And I know there's more to how I feel. Feelings that are extremely hard to admit or say out loud."

"Dean, are you saying…"

Dean took a deep breath, squared his shoulders and looked Castiel in the eyes.

"Yes, Cas I love you too."


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

Castiel stared at Dean for a moment.

"Dean I don't think you realize what you're saying."

"Yea Cas, I do. But you need to listen to me."

"I am listening to you Dean."

Dean smiled. He does love how simple Cas can be.

"When I look back on everything that has happened since we met, the good and the bad, I remember all the times you've been there for me, everything you have done for me, everything you have sacrificed for me. You come when I call, most of the time, when you can. And you've done all of this even though I've taken advantage of you, treated you like shit, a lot, and not being there when you needed me most of the time. I always made my problems more important and a lot of the time didn't take your feelings, needs and problems into account. And still you were there. No matter how awful I was to you, you were always there. I never thanked you for that."

"You don't have to thank me Dean."

"Yes I do. For that and so much more. You've saved my life so many times. And Sam's. I honestly don't know what I would do without you."

"Dean, I'm not going anywhere."

Dean sat down on the bed and looked at the floor.

"Yes you are Cas."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean you still need to spend some time away from me."

"But Dean,"

"No Cas, please, just listen. Even though I can admit these feelings to you now, doesn't mean I can act on them now. This is all very new to me. As I said before, I know you're not technically a guy, but it's something I need to work through or get passed I don't know. I know it's stupid but when you've been only one way your whole life, it's hard to just switch teams all of a sudden. Please understand, you having a male vessel has nothing to do with my feelings for you and it doesn't change them. But there are certain parts of a relationship I'm just not ready to try yet."

"Dean if you are talking about sexual relations, I would not ask that of you. I know you couldn't."

"Honestly Cas, I just don't know. I'd like to think I'm not that closed minded but I can't just jump into something like that, and that is part of any real relationship. I don't do relationships well. And you don't deserve that."

"Dean, I told you I'm not asking anything from you."

"I know that Cas. But I just need you to know. I do care about you, I do, love you, but I can't give you that kind of relationship now. And to be honest, I don't know if I ever will. It is something I will think about, a lot. But what I do want is for you to be happy. And I cannot give you false hope of being able to give you more than I can right now. I can't even promise if I ever will. I would like to think so, but I just don't know. The only thing I can promise is that I will always be here. And I will always be your friend."

"I know that Dean."

"Then know this. I want you to continue your time away from me. Do what you set out to do in the first place. Work through your feelings for me. So that hopefully one day maybe you can have a relationship with someone that deserves you. And I will work through mine."

"Dean, I don't need to do that now."

"Really Cas? Because I'm pretty sure it takes a little longer than that to get over someone. If not, I'm a little hurt."

"No Dean, I'm not over it. I'm saying I don't have to leave to get over it."

"I thought you said you needed time away from me to distance yourself from these feelings?"

"I thought I did. I thought that I did because I never thought you would feel the same way. I was afraid that if I told you and still stayed around things would be really awkward for you. And like you said, you don't handle emotions well, and I believe you would have gotten hateful with me, even angry just to distance yourself from me. And I didn't want that pain. Now, knowing that you have these feelings also, there is no reason for me to stay away."

"Cas, are you not listening to me? I cannot be with you Cas! Not like that! I can't give you a relationship!"

"I know that Dean."

Dean looked confused.

"Then how can you stay?"

"I can work on my feelings on my own and still be around. Knowing now, that you will be working on the same thing and knowing, how I feel, without being uncomfortable around me, no more than usual, will make this easier. And I don't have to be away from you and Sam. That's what hurts the most. So, I would like to stay. Unless you need me to leave Dean. If you are still uncomfortable, then I will leave to make this easier on you."

"I know you would. You'd do anything for me. Anything to make my life easier. Like you said, it's always about me."

"Not this time Dean. It's about both of us. We are both going to be struggling with the same thing. We may not talk about it or be around each other as much, but we're still going through it together. And when we need we will be there for each other. We go on, we do what we do and whatever the future brings, it brings."

Dean laughed. "When did you turn into Dr. Phil?"

Cas smiled. "I'd like to think I'm smarter."

"That's true. Do you really think we can do it? Go on like we do, knowing what we know, dealing with, all that we're dealing with."

"I think together we can. As long as we agree that if anything becomes a problem, or too much to deal with, we talk about it. We don't shut down and we don't run away. Can you do that?"

"You know what? I actually think I can. But you're going to have to have patience with me. Can you do that?"

"I have for all these years haven't I?"

"Yea, I guess you have. What's this going to mean for us Cas? Are we going to change?"

Cas sat down next to Dean. When Dean didn't flinch, he smiled.

"I think we will a little. But we're still us. We're still friends."

"Is that enough for you right now? Honestly?"

"Of course it is. And at the risk of making you uncomfortable I will say this. Knowing that I am loved like that in return, means more to me then you will ever know. I can't remember ever feeling that. And it makes me feel a lot better, lighter, like things are going to be okay. Do you know what I mean?"

"Yea Cas, I think I do. And so you know, I hope I can grow more in the future. Maybe even be able to take this further one day. If it's still, there."

"Maybe." Said Cas.

Dean stood, and then Cas.

"Can we agree to keep this between us?"

"Of course Dean, I understand that you feel embarrassed right now."

"No Cas, that's not it. But if Sam knew, he would either want to help, which wouldn't be a help at all, trust me. Or he will give me crap forever and then I would have to kill my own brother. Which I would prefer not to do."

"I understand. Of course, I will not say anything." Cas turned to leave, Dean grabbed his shoulder.

"Cas, never think I am ashamed of you I'm not. And never will be."

"Thank you Dean. I guess I'll go to my room now."

"Ok Cas. Yea, you've got your own T.V. in there now and new bedding. A few other things."

Cas smiled and turned again to go, but once again Dean grabbed his shoulder. But this time when Castiel turned around he was pulled into an embrace. Dean just held him for a good couple of minutes. Then he gently whispered.

"I love you Castiel."

"I love you too Dean."


	9. Chapter 9

**Author's Note:**

 **Nothing belongs to me. Supernatural and all its characters belong to its writers and creators.**

Okay. Before anyone sets out to lynch me, hear me out.

When I was thinking about this story, I was thinking about what the writers might actually do on the show. What they would be able to do. Now I don't think, (unfortunately), that it will happen on the show. But something like this would leave hope for us Destiel fans. And the thought of them even knowing that they are loved like that by the other may just lift their spirits a little. A little happiness on that show would be really sweet once and awhile.

I want to thank everyone **SOOO** much for all the follows and favorites and the wonderful reviews! You guys are the best and it really motivates me to write more! I was so scared about writing my stories and you guys have made me feel like I can keep going. With not only my fanfiction but also my other stories. I follow and favorite well over 100 stories and a lot of authors. There are so many great writers in here and I am so proud to be part of this community! I love you all! Anyways, I really do hope you enjoyed my story. And I look forward to writing more.

Dee


End file.
